EPILOGUE- How You Can Help Your Loved One

EPILOGUE

Blessed are you who....

-understand that it is difficult for me to put thought into words.

-understand that I can not speak when someone else is talking, because I have to have auditory-feedback.

-Take time to listen when I speak, in spite of my speech problem.

-Never ''hurry'' me for often I need time more than help.

-encourage me and praise me for continuing to try.

-Ask me for any help, for my greatest need is to feel needed.

-respect me and love me as I am, and not as you, and I, wish I were.

-Make it known to me that in spite of my faltering speech, and my inability to use my right-hand fingers, and my having an occasional seizure, that I am still loved.... and still respected.

It all boils down to being a matter of how well I can adjust to and compensate for these handicaps.

Looking back now........ I have cried many tears, have had many low times, and my family and I have had to overcome some very hard situations. But through it all we knew our Lord was with us, watching over us, carrying us at times, supplying strength and courage, giving us hope in the midst of despair, loving us through it all, else we could not have gone on.

Every day was a struggle for me, emotionally as well as physically. For the first two years I was not living........ just existing. Then, as I became more comfortable with my speech and in using my left hand, life began to be a little more palatable.

After a few more years I no longer had to fight the emotion of boredom for I was having plenty to do. I had by now made a full life for myself. With God's help and very good therapists, I was able to live an almost normal life.

I can now speak, not perfectly, but I can speak. I can use my whole arm, except for my fingers, but I can use my arm. I can dress myself, except for tying some bows changing earrings, or hooking my pearls, but I can do everything else. I cut my own hair, and wash and dry it. I type on my word processor, and can write my story. I can ring handbells, with both hands now. I can swim, write with my left hand, drive a car, sing in two choirs, be Reunion Treasurer for the Class of 1945, be a volunteer at the hospital Gift shop and Vice President of our church circle. And best of all, Jack and I do our own house and yard work.

Yes, I do have a slight concern about having a third brain tumor, and, as a matter of fact, a slight concern about having cancer ever since Eleanor called my attention to an ugly-looking mole on the back of my arm which turned out to be a malignant melanoma.

Even if it means more adversity, I know now what I had to learn

for myself, that I want to trust God's plan for my life, whatever it may be. I am convinced He uses times of adversity and tribulation to draw us nearer to Him, so that we might grow in Him and become more conformed to His image.

I know He knows how to handle the grief in each of our lives better than we do.... if we will but take it to Him, leave it with Him and know that that's exactly what He wants us to do.

“My Father says, “Leave that to me, and keep a quiet mind.”

Then when we’ve have done the best we can, relax in Him,

Let Go and Let God so He can do what He needs do without our interference.

I am assured that God's will is always best for me, His child, because of His great love for us, as our Father. I don't know about you, but I feel that we are here on this earth such a short time, that while I'm here I want to love Him back, to obey Him, to know Him better, to please Him, trust Him, and to leave the outcome...... my outcome...... to...... GOD alone.

Leave the Outcome to God

''Leave the outcome to God,'' weighed heavily on my mind. One day, while walking around the pond, I asked myself, “Why wouldn't God want to heal me?” I thought He always wanted the best for His children and how did He possibly think I could be of use to Him as I was! Not able to think or speak well and my right arm just dangling by my side. I was sure He would want to make me whole again, and wanted Him to so badly! Then, I began remembering what I had written, ''.....God singles out people with disabilities for a very special purpose. They illustrate how when we are at our weakest, God’s grace and power are at their strongest.'' I knew this to be true because in II Corinthians 12:9-10 Paul writes that the Lord, in response to his asking that the thorn in his flesh be removed, answered him with, ''My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. I am proud of my weaknesses'' says Paul, ''because they mean a deeper experience of the power of Christ. My very weakness makes me strong in Him.

I certainly felt weak... and small. This illness was too big for me to handle by myself. I knew God loved me as His child and I realized now that He could handle my situation better than I could. Then, in remembering the Bible verse, Psalm 55:22, “Cast your burdens upon the Lord and He shall sustain you”. I cast my burden, my condition, on Him, onto His shoulders, from mine. I gave it all to the Lord and I believed that He took it.

Now our wants and burdens leaving

to His care who cares for all?

Cease she fearing, cease we grieving;

at His touch our burdens fall.

S. Longfellow

And He did sustain us, my family and me. He will sustain you, too, with strength and light when troubles or burdens come your way. Don't worry prematurely when you have neither strength nor light. But trust Him. And He is sure to supply the strength, the light and courage, when you need it, as He has promised.

I realized finally what God wanted of me. He wanted me to tell Him I trusted Him with my 1ife..... no matter what the outcome would be..... no matter whether He would heal me or not. So, in childlike trust upon His will, I surrendered to Him, yielding myself to His control to let “the Lord do that which is good in His sight”, I Chronicles 19:13. I accepted it from the hand of God and doubted not that it was good. I knew He expected me to do the best I could with my situation, with my therapy, etc. but then to trust Him to handle the things beyond my efforts and my control.

I had gone from resistance to complete surrender to His will.

The circumstances of my life were not altered. But I had taken my burden to the Lord, who sees the whole, over-all picture, and handed it over to him for his management, and believed that He took it and that He assumed all responsibility, and the worry and anxiety. No longer would I have to, by myself, fight the battle, day in and day out, of not knowing whether I would ever be able to lead a normal life again. He had the responsibility now; I gave it to Him to let Him do with what He knew would be best. He had my trust now, and I felt free to relax in Him trusting Him.

I felt a peace now... an inner peace... that only He can give....

when I LEFT MY OUTCOME TO GOD!

1, 2, 3 –Leave My Outcome to God?

When the mail came that day there was another card from Polly A. She and Harvey both had been so thoughtful about remembering me. I was still having to struggle with comprehending messages, but I would try. So I read very slowly:

1. I put my life in God's hands.

2. I will trust God.

3. I leave the outcome to God.

I couldn't take it all in with just one reading, so I read again.

1. I put my life God's hands ...............

I remembered having put my life in God's hands many times before and had felt the “Blessed Assurance Jesus is Mine”.

2. I will trust God .........................

I felt I trusted God, the best I knew how. But did I really trust Him enough to have put my life in His hands...to let Him do with my life whatever He chose to do? Something inside me wanted to trust God that much but I was afraid to. If I were well? it would be so much easier to trust Him that much. But I was not well! And suppose He didn't come through! I wanted more than anything, to be able to lead a normal life again....

and not have to be dependent on others the rest of my life!

I didn’t doubt for minute that God could make me well.....after all, He had made me in the first place. And I realized how ugly my body would be if He hadn't healed my many cuts and bruises time and time again through the years. I knew God could fix the things I had wrong. But, would He?

3. I leave the outcome to God...................

What? I didn't know about that now, leaving my outcome to God! I didn't know whether I could count on God that much or not. And I was making pretty fair progress on my own with all the good therapy I was getting. It, even, might not be “according to His will'' to heal me and I didn't think I could bear that. I wanted to be normal again, able to play tennis, to sing in the choir again, to do my treasurer job at the church.

Driving Again-a Year after Brain Surgery

Now that the protective plate for my brain had been put in, and the incision healed, Jack took me to Superior Motors and helped me buy my '84 red Buick which I loved and have driven for many years since.

I wouldn't have to feel trapped anymore. I could get out of the house! I could go! But it had been so long since I had driven. So Jack called Gene B, a student driver instructor, to check my driving out before driving by myself. I drove slowly and with extreme caution; driving at first felt so unfamiliar. Gene passed me in spite of the fact I had to use my left foot on the pedals and drive with my limp right hand in my lap.

Treating the Infection at Home

It was a nasty complication.....infection had set in and would have to be treated intravenously. After three days in the hospital Jack was given a choice. I could remain in the hospital to have the infection treated or Jack could bring me home and treat the infection himself under the supervision of the Hospital Pharmaceutical Inc. Health Services which is a private home health service. They would supply the training, the medicine bags, the tubing, the needles and everything that would be needed. Jack elected to bring me a home. He would have to drive me back to Columbia every week to pick up another supply of medicine and to have a new Heparin lock inserted in my left arm which would allow him - to inject the bags of antibiotic medicine.

His instructions were:

1. Get bag out of refrigerator and warm it up

2. Replace old bag with new bag

3. Get rid of old medicine in tube before you let new medicine in.

4.Let new medicine down in tube- get rid of air bubbles in tube

5. Change tube each day new medicine in bubbles in tube

6. Use saline solution to clean out rubber end of IV

7. Put needle in IV.

8. Put heparin solution in IV.

9. Put saline solution in IV

Use 4 needles a day.

He makes a note to himself: Every time I put needle in rubber end of in, I wipe it with alcohol

This procedure every six hours, 2 PM, 8 PM, 2 AM, 8 AM, would take about 20 minutes and after eight weeks finally knocked the infection out.

We were both so glad to get back to sleeping through the night.

Complications from the Skull Replacement Plate

About a month later, because I was unable to see the top of my head in the mirror, I asked my daughter Sally, who is a nurse (on one of her many visits home to be of help to me) to please look at the incision and see why it continued to itch. She took a long look at my scalp....... and then told me she could see the plate.

She scrutinized the incision further and saw that it was oozing.

It hadn't healed. Evidently, some stitches had popped loose making it possible for Sally to see the underlying plate. So, back to the hospital again to restitch my scalp. But due to the scarred tissue left from the removal of the first brain tumors the scarred tissue left from the removal of the second brain tumor and scarred tissue from the plate just put in, it was terribly hard to pull the two sides of the incision back together. The surgeons had not been able to catch but one of the layers of skin.... which leaves a hole in my scalp.

Skull Replacement Plate=Slightly Less Paralysis

Dr. Paysinger seemed bewildered as to why I was showing signs of improvement in my right arm after the plate was put in. Instead of it just hanging limply by my side, I could now lift it slightly. I told him I was sure I knew why... Because, before the plate was put in, my scalp lay flat on my brain due to the large amount of diseased skull bone that had to be sawed out (making me look like a cone head) and was, evidently, putting a little pressure on my brain. But after the plate was put in, the plate lifted my scalp off my brain and the pressure was relieved.