Friday, November 30, 2007

I Couldn't Speak! after My Surgery

Very soon after my surgery, two of my daughters, Eleanor and Julie, visited me.

Eleanor’s notes describing their visit:

"Thurs. 5:30 PM after surgery – (Julie was with me )
Mother awake and very alert. Paralysis of both limbs on right side. IV in hand. Tube with blood drainage from gauze wrap around head running into sack. Urinary catheter running into another sack. Right lip drooping over teeth. Mother very responsive. No speech. Auditory comprehension for slow, simple speech. No articulation in mouth. Seemed aware of paralysis."

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

In ICU After Brain Tumor Removal

Then at 1:10 P.M., according to Eleanor’s notes, Dr. Paysinger, having finished the operation, came out to the waiting room to give this report:

7:30 A.M. – 1:10 P.M. Thursday surgery- My daughter Eleanor's notes:
"The tumor (the second meningioma) was much larger than anticipated even from CT Scan or arteriogram studies. Grew through the dura, up into skull bone and almost into brain so it was hard to remove. Thinks he got it all.
Could not put plate in. Surgery took longer than expected so couldn’t get plate in. Mama had been through too much. Will put plate in in 6 months-12 months. (Another operation? The surgeons would need to put a plate in as a substitution for most of the skull on the left side of my head. I was not even awake from this operation and I was already needing another one?) Mama is resting. Could see her 4-5 hrs later when she wakes up."

After the surgeons had sewn my scalp flap back in place, a large bulky dressing consisting of a kind of gauze wrap, about an inch thick was applied to my bald head and a drain, left in the epidural space, drained from the fresh incision and my swollen brain into a sack. The dressing came down over my eyebrows and partially covered my ears making it hard for me to hear.

When I awoke from the surgery I was in the Intensive Care Unit. I was still a little drunk from the anesthesia and kept dozing off… waking up… coming… going. I didn’t much care about anything… I was just so sleepy. There was nothing I needed to ask for; my every need was being anticipated so I was hardly aware of not being able to speak. There was, of course, no problem with the use of my tongue; the problem was with the use of my brain. It was injured and swollen and wouldn’t perform. My mind was blank. I had no thoughts… until I took one look at myself and my mind responded to what I saw.

My right arm lay limply on a pillow, as if dead. My right leg was propped up against a second pillow. The right side of my mouth was numb with my upper right lip drooping down over my teeth, and my throat was raw. I realized then that “I had already had the operation.” It had taken only four hours to turn me from an able-bodied, independent person into a completely dependent, helpless, disabled human being. This tumor had really done me in; I looked as if I had had a stroke. It would be a long, hard road ahead… bringing me back from the depths.

Eleanor and Julie, not even knowing whether I would know them or not, came in the ICU to see me as I was trying to regain consciousness. I immediately recognized them… my precious daughters! I managed a smile. (I didn’t want them to know that I couldn’t think of either of their names, or, in fact, think of anything. My mind was blank.)

Friday, November 16, 2007

Brain Surgery – Operative Notes

“Incision was made slowly with the larger vessels being controlled and coagulated as we opened the scalp. Scalp flap… was wrapped in a warm saline soaked pad and fishhooks attached… to maintain this exposure…

(10:30… as my family waited patiently in the waiting room for Dr. Paysinger to finish the operation, many things they had heard the neurosurgeons say kept running through their minds)

“The plate from the previous craniotomy was removed by cutting the wires and lifting the plate out of the defect… the rotary saw was placed on the Midax Rex and remainder of the (skull bone) flap was sawed out and removed… was sent to Pathology…”

(11:30… risk of surgery greater this time due to location of tumor, scarred tissue, lengthy operation including doing away with plate from first tumor)

“After we removed totally the diseased bone the edges were waxed. The dura was lifted with a swivel hook and opened and the intradural meningioma was seen underlying cortical tissue.”

(12 o’clock. Will Mama still know us? …she might not even make it through the operation)

“We kept the cortex covered with cottonoids as we moved along and slowly dissected the tumor off of the cortex… then the tumor was removed… with dural attachments still present. The underlying cortex was very raw… with gentle saline irrigation, the cortex was irrigated…”

(12:30… tumor on “speech area” of brain will affect speech, comprehension, reading… maybe even cause paralysis… should expect 5-15% speech and/or motor problems to be permanent…)

“Dural substitution was then used to close the large dural defect that had been left. This was sutured into place covering the underlying cortex. We felt there was going to be a tremendous amount of swelling because of the large tumor that was removed, and adherence to the brain. It was elevated not to try and carry out a cranioplasty (put a plate in)—at this time for that reason. A drain was left in the epidural space and the scalp flap returned to its normal position. A large bulky dressing was loosely applied and the patient sent to RR.”

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Physicians’ Reports Preceding Brain Surgery

Physicians’ Reports – Sally Spends The Night

Neither did I know Eleanor was taking notes on what the physicians were reporting to her in private about my condition.

Tuesday – Dr. Dial

Risk of surgery – Greater this time than for the first brain tumor due to location and scarred tissue. Risk is damage to right side, anywhere from paralysis to poor muscle tone.

Lengthy surgery – Getting to it is easy. Excising it is hard. Surgery will be a lot longer. The longer it is the more chance of problems. Tumor is in the skull. Will require plate on whole left hemisphere. More concerned than at first. Probably after surgery will have speech and motor problems. He expects this.

Seizures – Frontal-temporal meningioma might cause seizures.

Tuesday afternoon – Dr. Paysinger

Expects speech problem and weakness or paralysis after surgery. Said Mama might not make it through the surgery. About 15% chance of speech and/or motor problem will be permanent. Probably plate on most of left hemisphere. He will operate Thursday morning.

It was thought I would be in the hospital for about a week, like with the first brain tumor, so plans were being made for Julie to come with her ten months old baby boy, Lane, when I got home from the hospital and stay with me while I was getting my strength back. I expected nothing but that my recovery would be like that of my first tumor… quick and complete.

I had asked my daughter, Sally, who is a registered nurse, to please come st ay with me the night before I was to have my surgery. I thought I might need her in the nurse capacity but I knew for sure I would need her for support. She and I slept very well that night until the hall nurse came in and woke us up about 5 AM Thursday morning to “get up and start getting into the surgical gown in order to be ready for surgery”. I wanted so badly to have my little cross, that I had been carrying in my wallet for years, to be somewhere on my person during the surgery… but where could we hide it? I had been stripped of all jewelry and was jut about naked in that scrimpy little, split-down-the-back, short, no-modesty-at-all, surgical gown. Sally and I looked at me. Then we looked at each other. And then she made a real good suggestion… so, when the hall nurse came back about 6 o’clock to see if we were ready, my little cross was hidden, securely tucked long ways under my hospital bracelet and hardly even showed.

I, having already been sedated, was no sooner rolled out of the room on a stretcher than I was fast asleep. I didn’t know anything after that, not even when somebody shaved my head for the operation.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Tumor in the Speech Area

Each of our four children needed to be informed of my condition, a suspected second brain tumor. Three out of the four could come home Saturday.

Saturday was a gorgeous, warm February day and the whole family was sitting outside talking and sunning in the courtyard behind our house when Claire B. came over from next door. She and I chatted a little while, then she told me she had heard the news and that she was so very sorry.

Jack drove me up to Columbia the next day, Sunday, February 20, 1983, the day before my 55th birthday, to admit me to the Richland Memorial Hospital. I was to have the same neurosurgeon, Dr. Danny Paysinger, in whom I had grown to have great confidence.

Mary Ann R and Joan M drove up to Columbia Sunday afternoon to visit me and Carlos G, minister at St. Andrews, came also. According to Eleanor’s notes that she jotted down all during my stay in the hospital Sara S, Donna R and Nancy A called later. Nancy told Eleanor that she had noticed Ashlyn being put out with Jack. That they had fussed regarding her tennis. …What happened was that about a week before I found the tumor, Jack was out riding his bicycle while I played tennis with the girls. He decided to ride by the tennis courts and then stopped to watch us play. I was very conscious of his being there watching and then proceeded to miss four consecutive shots. When I got home he had plenty to say about my poor tennis playing… Nancy was questioning in hindsight, “why Jack hadn’t noticed at tennis that something was wrong!”

After having an arteriogram on Monday, it was determined that the tumor was on the “speech area” of my brain. I can imagine how this must have affected Eleanor, she being a Speech Pathologist in Summerville, SC herself. She would better understand and, maybe, know too much about the ramification of the tumor being on this area. I hadn’t thought to ask, so I didn’t know where the tumor was.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Something Abnormal


Months later Claire B, my interior decorator and next door neighbor, and I were standing, in what was to become the guest wing of our new house, discussing which wallpaper to use in the guest bedroom when I began to feel real dizzy and felt like I was going to faint. There was nowhere to sit down so I just leaned my back against an unfinished upright and sank to the floor to a squatting position. Soo the dizziness passed away. I called the doctor the next morning and told him about my dizzy spell so he called in a prescription for Anti-Vert from the pharmacy and this seemed to take care of the problem. But little did I realize how much lay ahead of me.

At another time, Jack noticed that I was having trouble understanding some things that I normally would have been able to understand easily. AS we look back over it now, he didn’t know about my dizzy spell and I didn’t know I was having trouble understanding, so neither of us suspected anything. We were so busy trying to finish up the new house.

Finally, we moved in July 4, 1982. We got the boxes unpacked, the books on the bookshelves and the pictures hung. We were having such a good time entertaining our friends in our new house… a church choir supper, a party for our tennis group, my church circle, our supper club, etc.

Eleanor came for Christmas, 1982 and she noticed that I was having a problem with my memory. I brushed it aside with, “I don’t think anything could be wrong with me; I feel too good… and it’s been nearly nine years since I had the brain tumor. And, too,” I argued, “we were told that it would be most unlikely for me to ever have another one.”

But, after about two months, I woke up three consecutive mornings with bad headaches that seemed to not want to go away. I started putting two and two together and realized that I was feeling more tired than usual and my tennis game was not up to par… and that dizzy spell! I knew, since we now had a CT scanner in our Orangeburg Hospital, I should go have a scan made.

My appointment was Friday, February 18, 1983. Jack and I had no sooner walked in the door from the hospital than our family physician called. We, Jack on one telephone and I on another, we were told that “something abnormal showed up on the scan! It was big! And in that same general area as the first brain tumor”. I felt numb… I could hardly take in what I was hearing. I was to be admitted to the Richland Memorial Hospital in Columbia by two o’clock Sunday afternoon. Jack was to pick up the CT Scans from our Orangeburg Hospital to take up to the Richland Memorial Hospital for consultation.

Four Years Later


October 27, 1980, Jack and I bought a lot on one of the Country Club golf course ponds, and I began drawing floor plans for a new house with some special features that would fit all our needs. When Larry B, after making numerous helpful suggestions, finished drawing the complete set of plans, we broke ground in June, 1981 on Jack’s 53rd birthday, and started building.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Julie’s Marriage

Dr. Paysinger dismissed me, September 6, 1975, as my last post-operative appointment for I was “doing exceedingly well” and had, when tested, no sensory or motor deficit. I was playing a lot of tennis, doing most of my house and yard work, and feeling great!

Julie and Tim S. were married May 29, 1976, right after Julie’s graduation from college, and I, at last, got to wear my “mother-of-the-bride gown with shoes dyed to match”!

The bridal luncheon had been given earlier that day by Jack’s mother, Julie’s grandmother, and as a thank-you for being in her wedding, Julie took this opportunity to give each of her bridesmaids a little gift. When a small package was handed to me also, I was taken aback and very surprised. This must be a mistake! I was not a bridesmaid! In my bewilderment, I opened the gift… four little gold beads on a gold chain… with this message inside:

This is to celebrate
The miracle of your recovery.
These 4 beads represent
The love from your 4
Children. We appreciate
All you’ve given.
Love,
Julie

Four little beads… my four precious children…
exactly two years since the brain tumor. I immediately loved the gift… and wear the little necklace all the time. It has become a part of me. I will treasure it always. I knew this was to be Julie’s “special time” with her wedding, but I was finding it to be a very “special time” for me, also. It was hard to hold back the tears.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Rare Tumor? WRONG!

Somewhere along the line Jack and I were told that the kind of tumor I had was very rare and were given the impression that I would never have another one. Our Orangeburg Hospital had no CT scanner at this time anyway, so we dismissed it from our minds.

Jesus – Lord Over My Convalescence

“I’m scared to death to get up here before the congregation like this, but I just couldn’t miss the opportunity to thank all y’all for your many kindnesses and to thank my Lord for His healing. I love Him so and want so much to please Him. I pray this will be to his glory.

“Many of you know about my past experience of having a brain tumor removed May 30, 1974. It all started back in the fall of 1973 when I began suffering, off and on, from what I thought to be depression…” and then I went on and told them about the nine shock treatments, the removal of the brain tumor and having to miss Eleanor’s wedding. I reminded them that “some of you, while I was in the hospital, brought food to our house on a regular basis and continued to do so even when I returned home. Others of you came by and helped Eleanor with her wedding plans. Some even put up shelves and covered them with white material in order to display the wedding gifts. What an outpouring of love and concern! I know God comes to people through other people, and I thank you so much for letting our Lord use you… to help take care of my family when we needed you so badly.

The Lord certainly is at work in
Your hearts and we praise him for the
Works of compassion He has performed
Through you.

“Your many visits, encouraging letters and cheerful cards, the beautiful flowers, your wonderful thoughtful gestures all meant so much to me. As Bennett B wrote in a later letter to Jack and me before he died with ALS, Lou Gehrig disease, ‘Blessed are those who find ways and words to comfort others.’

“2 Corinthians 1:3-4 in the Living Bible says, ‘What a wonderful God we have – He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them the same help and comfort God has given us.’

“I’m so thankful for caring people who are willing to take time out of busy schedules to do for others. Thank you so much. But most of all, I thank you for your prayers. When Gerry P, our church secretary, received word Wednesday that I was scheduled to have brain surgery the next morning, she passed the word around by telephone and many friends (about 100 I’m told), came here to the Sanctuary while the operation was going on to offer prayers on my behalf. When I heard this I was so touched! You cannot know how good and how loved that made me feel. I thank you for each and every prayer that was prayed for me, for I know prayer makes a difference. In fact, I often think, what if nobody had prayed for me…?

I feel that our Lord uses (not causes, but uses or allows) these difficult times of sickness or troubles to help us grow spiritually, for it is in times like these that we realize how helpless and inadequate we are without Him, and learn quickly how very much we need Him. As I lay up there in my hospital bed in Columbia, I felt wholly dependency on Him. I was completely in His hands. He held my future. Fear not, I, the Lord, am in control. I felt His nearness, and His love like I had never experienced it before. I felt a peace and a feel of being ‘taken care of’, a feeling of being ‘wrapped in His love’. It was so wonderful!

“I don’t know why it is that we sometimes have to almost lose something before we can really appreciate it. And I do, more than ever before, appreciate and am thankful for my life and for each day the Lord gives me to live in this beautiful world He has made for us. “I love to begin my day by looking out the window at the warm sunshine, or listening to a bird’s song and envisioning God out there and saying to Him:

Good morning, Lord,
This is Your day.
I am Your child,
Show me Your way.

Or sometimes say: This is the day that You, Lord, have made.
I will rejoice and be glad in it.

“I am trying real hard, for my family’s sake, to be a new and better Ashlyn rather than the old, depressed Ashlyn I was. Now Jack says he has a new wife! And then, I say ‘I have a new life’.

Could we bow in prayer please:

“I thank You, Lord, for this day. I thank You for these wonderful friends, who have let You work through them on my behalf. I thank You for my precious family… and for the privilege of coming to You in prayer. I utter this in Jesus’ name. Amen”.

I was so in love with my Lord!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Laity Day Service

One day Rev. Carl Clary, our minister at this time at St. Andrews United Methodist Church, asked me to speak in church October 13, 1975, Laity Sunday, on the subject: JESUS – LORD OVER MY CONVALESCENCE. I had never spoken in front of the whole congregation before and I knew I would be petrified! But I thought to myself I just could not miss this opportunity to thank all the friends who had been so kind to us during my long illness, and most of all I wanted to thank the Lord for making me well. So I told Carl I would be afraid, but I would try…

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Swimming

It was so good to be home again! I was bald-headed, of course, and certainly nothing to look at , so thin with a big horse-shoe shaped scar on top of my head… but I was no longer depressed! My slowness and constant tiredness were gone. I was beginning to feel normal again… oriented and alert.

Dr. Paysinger had released me from the hospital with no limitation on activities, so, with Larry and Barbara Bly’s invitation to come, I was swimming with them in their pool just twelve days after I got home. It felt so good to begin being active again after months of being “out of it” and sickly. I jumped into the cool, refreshing water and to my dismay when I came up, there, on top of that cool, refreshing water floated one of my “falsies” from out of my bathing suit. I was horrified! I was thin, but I didn’t realize I was that thin! It didn’t take me long to snatch it up… put it back in… and act as though it had never happened.

The summer sun seemed unusually hot this year… maybe because of my lack of hair. I was determined to get back into playing tennis again, in spite of the scorching hot days. If I needed an excuse for poor playing I could truthfully tell the others that I had a hot plate in my head.

My hair began growing back nicely… real short, but cute I thought. I was feeling like a new person.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Strange!

I was released from the hospital the next Friday, June 7, after just eight days. Jack came up to drive me home to Orangeburg, but…

Before we left Columbia, Jack bought me two pleated turbans, one pink and one white, to wear on my bald head. They were soft like the little stocking cap I was given at the hospital after the dressing was removed. I found the turban much more comfortable to wear than my wig which tended to be scratchy against the raw incision.

When we arrived at home in Orangeburg, something very strange happened. When I opened my closet door, none of the clothes hanging in the closet looked familiar! It looked to me as if all my clothes had been removed and replaced with some clothes I had never seen before. Then shortly I was able to remember them.

Strange!

And later, when I was told I had made those red burlap flowers as part of my therapy while having the shock treatments at the Baptist Hospital, I could hardly believe my eyes. As I scrutinized the flowers I had absolutely no recollection, at all, of having seen them… much less having made them.

Strange!

It was a disturbing feeling, knowing that I hadn’t known, for this long period of time, what was going on… or what I had done or said. I reckon it’s the way a drunk feels when he’s told the many things he said and did while he was drunk.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Eleanor’s Wedding – Polly’s Letter


Eleanor was married Saturday night June 1, 1974 as planned after having to make the decision whether to go on with the wedding or not. I would have hated to interfere with her getting married and if I hadn’t made it through the surgery on Thursday she could have just made it into a combination wedding-funeral… while the church was all pretty.

Needless to say, the mother-of-the-bride didn’t make it to the wedding. Or get to wear her green mother-of-the-bride gown with shoes dyed to match. But Eleanor sent me her bouquet, and there were many pictures and letters describing everything…

June 3, 1974

Dearest Ashlyn,

How we rejoice with thanksgiving for your successful surgery. We’ve heard such good reports…

You all had a beautiful, happy wedding! It was the most meaningful and religious wedding I think I’ve ever attended. Eleanor was radiant and beautiful. She is a fantastic young lady and I know how proud you must be of her.

There was a real good crowd – we were pouring punch like mad there were so many people. We had added a punch table on the patio area between the wings – we used Charlotte F’s flambeaus and it looked lovely. The food was delicious… the cake was beautiful…

I’ve never seen a bride and groom “stick around” so long! They were thoroughly enjoying it all…

The church just looked perfect. The tall cathedral candles on the pews made it look regal.

The best looking man there was John! He is so good looking and did an excellent job of ushering smiling all the time.

Julie and Sally looked so pretty and had so much poise! I just can’t wait for you to see the pictures.

Martha S tried so hard to take movie film but…

I did fine during the ceremony until Jack came out loud and clear with his answer to Carl when giving Eleanor away with “her mother and I”.

You have some wonderful friends. How can one say enough about Gerry P and Nancy A? They have been terrific.

I understand you’ve been walking and progressing beautifully. Keep up the good work and hurry home.

Love you,

Polly

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The Move and Surgery


By the time they had gotten me downstairs at the Baptist Hospital I was in a state of exhaustion. Jack suggested to Julie (our 20 year old daughter) that she and I ride in the back seat of the car so I could put my head in her lap while he drove to the Richland Memorial Hospital. She and I got in, and I lay my head in her lap. Julie told me later it was all she could do to hold back the tears. She said she was sure if she were to break down it would frighten and upset me, so she tried desperately to stay calm and reassuring in spite of fearing the worst. So many thoughts went racing through her mind: Would the tumor already have caused permanent damage? Mama was showing signs of dementia! What about the nine shock treatments? Would the tumor be malignant? Would Mama even make it through the operation?

When we arrived at the Richland Memorial Hospital and they finally got me settled in my room and in the bed, a sweet hall nurse could see that Julie was upset and about to cry, so she motioned for Julie to come help her get a pillow from the linen closet. She then tried to calm Julie’s fears by convincing her that she was sure her mother would be all right.

That night I asked Jack what I was doing in this other hospital. He told me that I had a brain tumor that would have to be removed in the morning and that we were just going to trust the Lord and the neurosurgeons.

The next morning, Thursday May 30, my head was shaved and I was taken in for surgery. The tumor was in the best possible location for removal and was known as a meningioma, which is a tumor growing from the dura or lining of the brain. Mine was the size of a tangerine and wasn’t malignant! After the removal of the tumor a cranioplastic plate which substitutes for the diseased portion of my skullbone, was wired in place with a #28 stainless steel wire before my scalp flap was returned to its normal position. Then a sterile dressing was applied. With the tumor out of my head I was on my way to making a quick and complete recovery.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Brain Scan and Neurosurgical Evaluation

Brain Scan

Monday morning May 27, 1974 at the Baptist Hospital, I was given a CT (computerized tomography) Brain Scan to determine whether I did, indeed, have a tumor. The scan showed I did… a large frontal lobe tumor on the left side of my head. The shock treatments had been so unnecessary! So unneeded!

Neurosurgical Evaluation and Recommendations

Tuesday, May 28, a neurosurgical evaluation and recommendation were made. Dr. Danny Paysinger, a neurosurgeon, would perform the operation. When he examined me later he found: “The patient is very demented. She has a very short attention span with no memory or recall of the moment. She cannot handle figures and the examination is extremely difficult because of the patient’s inability to carry out instructions even of a simple nature”.

Then Wednesday, May 29, I was given an Arteriogram to determine more about the tumor. The location proved to be favorable; the tumor would be accessible.

Jack, in Orangeburg, was called immediately and his permission obtained for brain surgery. He was told I would be operated on the next morning and that he should come up to Columbia that afternoon and move me from the Baptist Hospital to the Richland Memorial Hospital where an operating room would be available at that time. So Jack and our middle daughter, Julie, drove up to Columbia that afternoon to move me and my things from one hospital to the other.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Pre-Senile or Brain Tumor


On Saturday May 25, 1974, a neurologist, Dr. Taber, was called to the Baptist Hospital to examine me. He wrote in a report about the examination, “In my opinion Mrs. Gray could have an organic disorder”.

Saturday night, May 25, in Orangeburg, my family was at a just-family (because of my condition)-bridal-supper given for Eleanor by friends at their home. Jack had been calling Columbia all day trying to get in touch with somebody who could give him a report on the neurologist’s examination. Finally Dr. Taber called Jack at our friends’ home and reported to Jack that, at this point, it was thought that I was either pre-senile or had a brain tumor!

O-O-O-O-Oh! Either would be terrible! We, our whole family, had known senility first-hand with Mother! …Or a brain tumor! O-O-Oh… No!! Either prognosis was awful!

(This was in 1974 and brain tumors weren’t prevalent like they seem to be today. We had never known anybody to have brain tumor! It was foreign to us… and very scary!)

These two possibilities faced my family this Saturday night… just one week before Eleanor’s wedding. She broke out in hives.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Something Needs To Be Done


I can hardly remember anything about my stay in the Baptist Hospital and nothing at all about the nine shock treatments. I don’t remember having made the “red burlap flowers” that seem to be a part of the therapy program for mental patients. Neither do I recall that Eleanor, on her 21st birthday in May, which was about midway into the shock treatments, brought me a dozen daisies. What a sweet thing for her to do… (Now, wasn’t that special!) But, mentally, I was beyond being able to take anything in; I could hardly function.

I can’t remember much about anything after that first appointment with Dr. Huggins, nor remember the remainder of April and all of May because of being given the shock treatments. It wasn’t just a Lost Week-End, it was more like a lost two months.

Eleanor, at this time, was in Columbia taking a course at Columbia College before her graduation and her wedding. She would come faithfully to visit and check on me. It was not easy for her… seeing her mother going downhill each time she would come. She needed to be concentrating on her school work and her wedding… not having to worry about her Mama.

When she would come, she and I would usually take a little slow walk down the hall together. But this one time, Friday, May 24, I was having an especially hard time trying to walk. I was just hanging on to the side rail in the hall in order to move one foot in front of the other. As I moved slowly along, taking one step at a time, Eleanor noticed that something was terribly wrong; I was dragging my right foot! Nobody else seemed to have considered that something other than depression might be the cause of my trouble! And it had even been noted already that I had not been responding to the shock treatments in the usual way!

It seemed very doubtful now, as to whether or not the shock treatments, as Jack had been assured by Dr. Huggins, “would be the best thing for Ashlyn and she would be feeling much better in time for Eleanor’s wedding”.

When Eleanor got back to her college dormitory she called Jack to tell him what she had noticed and that something needs to be done!

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Shock Treatment

Shock Treatment

Little did I know that I was in the Baptist Hospital be given a series of unneeded, unnecessary shock treatments!

P. KENNETH HUGGINS, M. D.

1401 LAUREL STREET

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA 29201

April 30 1974

Mr. Jack Gray _

Orangeburg, S. C. 29115

For Professional Services

Rendered to Ashlyn Gray

Initial inpatient evaluation $55.00

Inpatient psychiatric care (32
days @ $16 per day) 512.00

Electro-shock therapy with anes-

thesia (series of 9 treatments

@ $44 each) 396.00

$963.00

Shock treatments, as described for an article in The News and Courier newspaper by Margaret Salley Harrison who had had more than 100 treatments at different hospitals, are: “My memory is cloudy about some things, but not about the assembly line of stretchers lined up to go into shock. You’d be wheeled into a large room with massive machines and grotesque electrodes. They’d insert a mouth piece, cover my face with oxygen, and strap me down. Then I’d get a shot that put me to sleep… patients are put to sleep, then given a drug which temporarily paralyzes them so they don’t flail about when given the electric jolt and suffer injuries. It was very degrading.”

So it’s not so funny when shock treatments are jokingly described as someone hooked up to jumper cables.

Baptist Hospital


Monday, April 29, 1974 with Eleanor’s wedding just one month away I saw Dr. Huggins a third time. It had already been decided, without my knowledge, that I was to enter the Baptist Hospital in Columbia the next day, “now that my diagnosis of depression had been confirmed.” Jack, after having been assured that “it would be the best thing for Ashlyn and that she would be feeling much better in time for Eleanor’s wedding”, signed a paper giving his permission to go ahead with treatment.

So, I was admitted to the Baptist Hospital on Tuesday, April 30… not really knowing why or what was going on. Unable to think well enough to even question, I was just doing what I was told to do. I was led up to the ninth floor and through two big, heavy doors which slammed shut behind me. And I was locked in.


Thursday, August 2, 2007

Second Appointment

Second Appointment

I can’t remember very much about the April 17 session but I’m sure I would have talked with Dr. Huggins about the fact that after Daddy died in 1980 a Mrs. Turner had been hired by my brother to live with Mother as a companion and take care of her, and that Mother had begun showing signs of senility, and that Mrs. Turner was going to quit because Mother was so “out of touch” with reality. It seemed that Mother would go to the back door and call my daddy who had been dead for some time, “Milton… ah… Milton”, thinking he was in the backyard tending his rose bushes. Then, later, she got where she didn’t trust anybody so she hid the silver goblets under her bed and her checkbook between the mattress and the springs. One time, when dressing, she put her slip on over her dress. When she reached the point that she was no longer able to control her bladder and required constant care, it became necessary to put her in a nursing home. She, then, would tell us that “they” were digging a hole at the end of the nursing home building and wanted to put her in it. And that “they” had poison in the paint on the ceiling which would fall, as she lay on her back in her bed, into her eyes and make them itch.

I would have explained to Dr. Huggins that Mother had hay fever every spring and that was the reason for her eyes itching. When we would tell Mother that there was no hole being dug at the end of the building and no poison in the paint on the ceiling, she would insist that we didn’t know what we were talking about. Before Mother died in ’72 she was transferred to Craft-Farrow in Columbia and Eleanor, being at Columbia College, would visit and check on her nearly every day. I can remember, at that time, hoping that I would never have to end up like mother did.

What’s Wrong?

It all started in the fall of 1973… I was 46 years old. The medication described by the Orangeburg County Mental Health Department didn’t seem to be helping me. I didn’t understand why I was depressed. I had no reason to be. I had married a loving husband after my graduation from Duke University and we had had four precious children, three daughters and a son, and were soon to have a son-in-law. What was wrong? I knew something was! But I didn’t know what.

Eleanor, our oldest daughter, had already set her wedding date for June 1, 1974, to be right after her graduation from Columbia College. I was trying hard to go to the bridal parties given for her during her Christmas holidays, but my general slowness in everything I did and my inability to cope with everyday situations was becoming more and more distressing to me… and my family. At times my mind would just go blank in the middle of a sentence and I wouldn’t be able to remember what I had started saying. As the wedding date drew nearer Eleanor chose the gowns she wanted her bridesmaids to wear and I, already finding it hard to make decisions, took far too long deliberating on which gown to wear as the mother-of-the-bride. Finally, I chose a pale green one… and later had my shoes dyed to match.

My condition steadily worsened. By late March, 1974, I was referred, by my family physician, to a psychiatrist, a Dr. K. Huggins in Columbia, SC for psychiatric evaluation… and treatment, if needed. I was given an appointment for April 1.

At the session, Dr. Huggins asked me some questions. Yes, I had already been on medication prescribed to me by the Orangeburg Mental Health Department. Yes, I had lost both my father in 1970 and then my mother in 1972. And, yes, I had felt so terribly frustrated cleaning out their large attic, trying to decide what to do with all of their many things. Should I throw this away… or not? Maybe I could use this myself… but where? … This to go to the Orangeburg Historical Society… or would they even want it? Give this to one of the children… but which child? So many decisions! Dr. Huggins wanted to see me again in two weeks. Before I left I was given a second appointment for April 17.