Thursday, January 10, 2008

I Am Still Me, Though My Brain is not Right

Monday morning early
Visit: Jack (my husband), and Eleanor
Eleanor’s notes:
“Dr. Clark, one of four surgeons in with Dr. Paysinger, offered to order Physical Therapy for Mamma's right arm. Would order Speech Evaluation too if wanted, but doubted it would help. Said there had been lots of manipulation in ''that area'' of brain so might have problem with seizures.
Too soon for friends to see Mama. Needs rest.”

_____
Mon. 8:00 A.M.
Visit: Jack and Eleanor
Eleanor’s notes:
“Auditory comprehension greatly improved. When speaking to Mother, she comprehends well if she is rested and spoken to really slowly. Recognized names of friends who brought food. Wrote ''SLIPPER” with left hand when wanting bedroom shoes. Sitting up. More alert. Robe and socks on. Shook head “no” 2 or 3 times.”

Later Monday morning I was moved into a private room, number 616 West. I had no idea I would still be occupying this same room for three more weeks. When I arrived on the stretcher, I was so very surprised to see that there, on the bedside table, lay my little cross! It was like seeing an old friend. It seemed to be welcoming me. I don't know when somebody might have found it in its hiding place, but there it was now, ready to help me through some very trying times.

Even though my mind had lost all words, I could respond to what I was hearing with my eyes or with facial expressions, with ''handtalk'' or “headshakes”. I was aware of the things going on around me and would see, from under the bulky dressing, my family moving around and about my hospital room but......... what are their names??! I couldn't remember to save my life. I would ponder.-.and try to think, 'out their names just wouldn't come.

I hadn't realized how bad off I was or how bad off I must have appeared to others. To me, seeing myself from within, I was the same person.... the same Ashlyn, the same Mama, same wife, the same mind, personality, values.... unchanged.... it was just that some parts of me weren't working right, right now. But I think those who looked at me from the outside found my condition to be very grave. I was partially paralyzed! Couldn't speak! Couldn't think! Had a mental deficiency! And nobody knew to what degree I would, or could, be able to make a comeback!

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