MY SPEECH NOW

Apraxia of speech - a motor/speech disorder which makes voluntary/spontaneous speech difficult in that to speak correctly requires motor planning.

Example: I have to depend on being able to hear myself when I speak (auditory feedback) for my motor planning. I have to be able to hear my own voice as I speak which provides me with the auditory feedback as I hear myself speaking. It is necessary to hear myself speaking in order to be able to think (motorically plan out) what I need to say next. The difference between you and me is that now I have to think about how to pronounce the words. Then I can perform the motor act of consciously saying it.

Therefore, I can't think how to speak when another person is talking or when there is a lot of background noise such as loud TV, or a crowded restaurant, or noisy party. They all continue to be a distraction to my thinking ability. In fact, I couldn't get my telephone number to come to mind when signing our church register, just because our preacher was preaching his sermon.

At times I might say ''No'' when I mean to say “Yes'' or vice-versa.

But when I hear myself make the mistake (by auditory feedback) I can catch myself and quickly change my response. I am dependent now on having to be able to hear myself as I speak without noise interference.

As I became more confident in my speaking I began enjoying communicating, one-to-one, with one other person, but I was at such a disadvantage trying to talk with more than one that I let myself be shut out of the conversation and would just remain quiet. That's no fun though, not being able to share myself or my thoughts to add to the conversation.

It's still an effort to try to explain things to others, even though I know what I want to say. I seem to not be able to find the words I need to make myself understood. In trying to communicate it always seems to help me if I can make eye contact with whomever I'm speaking.

Because of my speech, my paralysis, and my deficit, I was secretly pleased that most people knew of my second brain tumor.

Instead of having to be embarrassed if I failed, I felt that because of their knowing, people would understand.